The Letter You'll Never Read.

I want you to know that I've been okay.  I've been living my life.  And in the last few months I've allowed myself to feel happiness again.  True happiness.  I've been able to take every memory of you and tuck them into that pocket in the far back corner of my brain labeled "Forget About These."  It's worked.  I've been able to temporarily put you out of my thoughts.  I don't care if it's not healthy.  I don't care if it sounds cold.  It's been my way of coping, and it's worked.  Until today.  When I heard that song.  The one where each word reminds me of you.  No matter what, God doesn't want me to forget about you.  But that's all I want to do.  That's what you've done.  Right?  Forgotten?  Forgotten that we were inseparable?  Forgotten that we were best friends?  That no matter what I've always been there for you?  And you for me?  Until now.  I hate you for walking away.  I hate that it's been so easy for you to do.  I hate that I was happy today until I heard that damn song.  I hate that you'll never read these words and the fact that if I ever got the chance, I'd never show them to you.  I hate you and I love you all at once.  I hate that feeling.  I'm so tired of people asking about you.  Of trying to come up with something to say.  Of putting on my fake smile and pretending this whole situation doesn't bother me.  Of knowing that they have no idea how this feels.  I'm tired of people asking.  I used to believe that time heals everything.  I don't anymore.  How long do I have to wait?  How long do we have to wait?  It's like leaving a severe wound untreated.  It keeps festering.  Just when I think it'll get better, it feels worse.  I never liked or fully understood that expression "false hope."  Now it's translucent.  I understand my infliction.  But what about yours?  You are so selfish.  You're going to wait until it's too late.  When your heart finally starts beating again and ours have all stopped.  My hope for you is that there will be someone there for you on that day.  To pick you up when this realization slams you in the face.  When you realize you've been cold for too long.  Until then, I'll continue to try to suppress these pointless feelings.  I'll continue to love you and I'll continue to defend you.  Because that's what we do.  That's what we've always done.  That's all I know how to do.  That's what I wish you were doing right now.